


Mac Enters a Bake Sale

by Kioee



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: I know this is the fic you've all been waiting for
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-07
Updated: 2019-10-07
Packaged: 2020-11-26 11:36:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20929568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kioee/pseuds/Kioee
Summary: "Talk to their priest then sleep with their priest then blackmail their priest then ask the priest to ask God to forgive you for blackmailing him."Bake sale rivalries are a sacred ritual





	Mac Enters a Bake Sale

**Author's Note:**

> This has been floating in my head since the trailer aired. You're welcome

He needed information. There was no way that Elinor Mulcahy was really as cool and smart and  
as everyone said she was. Mac knew that bitch had a secret and he was gonna find out what it was. He just had to go about it the right way. He had to find the best way to find out someone's secret.

"Thank you for coming today," a voice said, breaking his thoughts. It was nice of Father Baldwin to individually thank all the people. He was pretty good looking, too, which made it way easier to pay attention to the sermon and shit. Not to mention he was pretty sure they had a moment during communion.

"Yeah, of course," Mac replied. "You know I haven't actually been to mass in a while. Feels good to be back." 

The Father smiled at him. "God always welcomes those who come to His house, even if they've lost their way."

"Yeah I can really feel the Holy Spirit here and stuff."

"Oh Father!" Ugh. Elinor just had to come and ruin the moment. "I just wanted to let you know that for the bake sale coming up, I'm bringing in my lemon squares."

The Father had a lot of patience because he just smiled at that rancid fake bitch. "That's wonderful. They were quite a hit at the potluck."

Elinor looked Mac over, the same look all the stuck up bitches in high school always gave him. "You could bring cups or something, if you're not able to bake something."

Mac frowned. "I can bake. I can totally bake."

With a clap of her hands, Elinor squealed with delight. Mac cringed and with a glance to the priest, he saw a slight frown as well. "This bake sale is going to be so great!" She gave a polite nod to the two of them. "Make sure you bake enough for 200 people. Whatever doesn't sell can be shared with the congregation." With that she bounced away to go screech at somebody else.

Mac gave Father Baldwin a look. "What is her deal?"

The priest just laughed. "Well you know I can't reveal what goes on in confession."

"Hey can I get your number in case I need to talk about some stuff I'm going through?"

Mac knew now how he was going to take that bitch Elinor down. 

\---

"So Mac are you in?" Dennis asked. Truthfully Mac had zoned him out the entire time he'd been talking and didn't even know what he was being asked to do.

"Nah, I've got something I'm working on,"he said. "Solo project."

Dennis scoffed. "You think you can pull off whatever scheme you're working on by yourself?"

Mac looked back at his phone. He'd just confirmed a lunch meeting with Father Baldwin. Jonas, he'd insisted. "Uh, yeah. This is definitely not a two person job."

Dennis frowned for a moment but then just shrugged. "Okay, Charlie, you're up."

"Alright!" Charlie cheered and gave a celebratory dance.

Dee's annoying squawk rang through. "Oh that is bullshit! I can do it way better than Charlie. Or Mac for that matter."

"Oh, you can't do anything useful, Dee," Dennis argued. "You'd just ruin it."

The sounds of their shouts blended together as Mac got up and left the bar. He had a much more better plan to work on, and he didn't even know what Dennis's plan was at all.

\---

Mac didnt recognize Jonas at first at that stupid coffee shop on Spruce. He was wearing normal clothes. He didn't even know priests were allowed to wear regular shit. Those jeans looked really good on him. Mac didn't hide his gaze as he checked him out.

"Mac," Jonas said, pulling out a chair for Mac to sit in. It felt like a date. Mac smiled at Jonas. They ordered a couple coffees and pastries. It wasn’t exactly the lunch he’d been hoping for, but sometimes you have to make sacrifices to get what you want. And it helped that he was in good company.

“So, I gotta say, I’ve had a lot on my mind that couldn’t just be wrapped up real quick in the confession box,” he said. “So thanks for taking the time to just have a lunch date with me.”

Jonas really did have a nice smile. Straight, white teeth and a little crinkle at the eyes. “Of course, Mac.” He gave a chuckle. “Priests like to have social lives, too. And I’m always happy to help counsel anyone in need.” He took a sip of his coffee. “What can I help with?”

“So I know this is against the church and God and all that,” he began, “but I’m gay, and I don’t want to hide that part of me anymore.” He bit into his bearclaw. “And I’ve mostly made peace with that, but I don’t know if I’m still welcome in the church, or if I gotta find another place to go.” He swallowed his bite down with some coffee. “‘Cuz I still wanna devote myself to God. You know?” He shrugged. “I just don’t know if I belong at St. John’s.”

Jonas took a deep breath. “We have a place for everyone at St. John’s.” He reached a hand across the table and placed it on Mac’s. “You’ll always belong in the heart of the Lord.”

Mac smiled back, keeping his hand under Jonas’s. “Well, you know some people haven’t been as inviting.” He tried his best to look sheepish. “I don’t know if you noticed but Elinor Mulcahy doesn’t really like me very much. Which is ridiculous because I’m so friendly and shit - oh sorry for the language Father.”

Jonas just laughed. “It’s quite alright, Mac. I’ve heard worse.” Jonas rubbed his thumb on Mac’s hand. Mac may have been new at the whole gay thing, but he knew what flirting was. “And I’m sorry about Elinor. She’s,” he paused. “Dealing with some things.”

Mac raised an eyebrow. “Sorry, I won’t pry. I know you can’t violate confession.”

“Thanks,” Jonas said with a soft smile. He looked around the coffee shop. “Why don’t we go somewhere a little more private to discuss this?”

Mac grinned. “Yes,” he said as he got up from his seat, not worrying about seeming too eager.

The moment the door to Jonas’s apartment closed their lips met. Mac had just a moment of surprise before wrapping his arms around Jonas, fingers sliding into his hair - a shade of brown he found very attractive. This was definitely a sin, because priests weren't supposed to be making out with anyone, but since the priest started it that was probably okay on Mac's part.

Jonas's hands grabbed at Mac's hips, rolling them together. Mac moaned, giving Jonas the opportunity to slip his tongue in his mouth. Mac met it with his own. Hands tugged the hem of his shirt and the kiss was broken long enough to pull it over his head. He ran his hands over Jonas’s torso. He was pretty ripped for a priest. A lot of the regular ones were kind of old and fat. He definitely wouldn’t be banging them.

“Shit, you’re hot,” Mac breathed, mouthing at Jonas’s neck.

Jonas laughed. “So are you.” One of his hands slid into Mac’s pants and Mac groaned at the touch.

With a hitched breath, he stepped back. “Couch, bed?”

Jonas smirked and nodded to the door on the other side of the apartment. “Bedroom.”

\---

The afterglow was nice. Jonas wrapped himself around Mac, nuzzling into his neck. “That was so good, Mac.”

Mac smiled, feeling a little giddy. “That was awesome,” he replied. Jonas just laughed and sighed contentedly.

“So,” Mac began, “Why’s Elinor such a bitch?”

Jonas stiffened in surprise and pulled back. “Mac, I can’t discuss that. It would break Confession.”

Mac shrugged. “You don’t seem to have a problem doing other things priests aren’t supposed to do.”

“Well, that’s, you see, I don’t--” Jonas didn’t seem to have a good response to that. “I still can’t just violate her trust like that.”

“I don’t she’d trust you after finding out that you’re just out there banging dudes,” Mac countered.

“What?” Jonas’s voice wavered and his eyes grew wide. “Why would she ever find out?”

Mac raised an eyebrow pointedly.

Jonas scrambled to sit up. “Mac!”

“Jonas!” Mac leaned up on his elbow. “So what’s Elinor’s deal?”

Mac was met with a blank stare. “I think you need to leave.”

“Okay. You might get kicked out of the church when everyone finds out though.” The two of them stared at each other for a few moments.

Jonas sighed. “She thinks the reason she can’t have children is because she went to a Bloomingdale’s sale in New York while her mother was on her deathbed.” 

That was good. And definitely something Mac could leverage. “Thanks.” Mac got up and put on his clothes, placing a kiss on Jonas’s stunned mouth before leaving.

\---

“Elinor! Elinor! Elinor!” Mac yelled as he pounded the door to the nice little house where Elinor lived.

The door flung open and an irate looking Elinor - and the intense smell of lemons - met Mac. “What!” 

Mac gave Elinor the most somber look he could give her. “I can’t do the bake sale.”

Elinor rolled her eyes. “I should have figured you weren’t up to it.”

“Well, I just found out my mom is dying, and I have to be by her side right now.” He took a deep breath. “I’d be a really shitty son if I wasn’t with my mom in this time, right?”

Elinor coughed. “That’s right.”

“Yeah, so I just wanted you to know, like, in person.” Mac took a deep breath and tried to remember to look sad. He would be pretty upset if his mom actually was dying, though. Elinor really was a bitch for leaving her mom to die alone. “She always hated lemon squares,” he choked out.

“Oh, oh dear.” Elinor shifted in the doorway. “I can,” she cleared her throat. “I can bake something else.”

Mac slapped a hand on her shoulder. “Thanks so much, Elinor, for understanding.”

With a sharp intake of breath, Elinor plastered on a tense smile. “Of course, Mac.” She looked behind her uncomfortably.

\---

"Forgive me Father for I have sinned," Mac began, the boredom of repeating these words apparent.

"Is that you, Mac?" hissed Jonas.

"Uh, yeah," Mac answered. "It's been three months since my last confession, and--"

"I can't take your confession!" Man, Jonas sounded pissed off for some reason.

Mac huffed. "You're the only one here today. And I gotta make confession or else I'm going to Hell. Do you want me to go to Hell?"

A beat. "No." Jonas sighed. "Go ahead."

"Okay so, as you know, I blackmailed you and that's probably not cool in the eyes of the Lord." Mac fidgeted in the seat. "You were there so I don't think I need to go into detail, and I feel really bad about it so I'd like you to ask God to forgive me."

Jonas made a strangled noise. "You want me to ask God to forgive you for blackmailing me?"

"Yeah that's what I just said. Are you even listening, dude? Um, Father I mean." Gotta keep the confession booth professional.

"I--" Jonas seemed to be at a loss. "Okay. Are you truly repentant of your actions, and do you plan on committing this sin again?"

"I am totally repentant. And I'll definitely not blackmail you again 'cause you're actually really cool and you've got better shit - sorry stuff - to worry about."

"...Right." Jonas sighed again. "Okay, just recite three Hail Marys and we'll call it good."

Mac smiled brightly. "Thanks Father!" He got up to leave but sat back down. "The sex thing I'm not confessing for because I think that's really on you, but it was pretty awesome. Just wanted you to know."

"Thank you I guess." Jonas coughed. "Now leave I've got other people waiting."

“Awesome, Father,” Mac said, getting up. “You’ve been a big help.”

\---

“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! What in the goddamn hell did you do?” Elinor was pissed. Mac raised an eyebrow. 

“Oh, I changed my mind about the bake sale,” Mac answered, simply. He looked over the lemon squares at his table set up next to Elinor and her basic bitch brownies. He may have almost burned the apartment down for a second time, but even Dennis had more than one of the test batch, so he was pretty sure these would be a big hit.

They were not a big hit with Elinor. “But you said,” she flapped her arms around. “With your mother -- and that she hated -- why would you --”

“Oh!” Mac said like he was just finally understanding the anger. “I just didn’t want you to make the lemon squares. And at first I was going to just sit out of the bake sale, but then I thought about how good lemon squares actually are, so I decided to make them myself.”

“Is your mother even dying?”

Mac laughed. “No, I don’t think anything could kill her at this point. She’s like, the strongest, coolest mom ever.” He looked around. “She couldn’t make it here today, though. She already had plans, but I know she would have come if she didn’t already have something else going on.”

Elinor sounded like she was screaming but her mouth was closed. Mac just looked her over as people were walking into the room. “Okay, bitch, get away from my table so I can sell this shit.” 

She may have been onto something with thinking God was punishing her. Mac was always there for his mom and he managed to sell all of the lemon squares. He made a lot of cash from them, and even though it all had to go to the church -- a raw deal since even when he sold weed he’d always get a cut of the profit -- it felt good knowing that he was totally following God’s plan and that bitches like Elinor had half their brownies left over.

Mac walked over to Elinor, who looked like she was not having a good time at all, and clapped a hand on her back. “We did good today,” he said. “Father Baldwin said we’ve got enough money to get the asbestos out of the community center.”

She plastered a terse smile on her face. “Great.”

Mac picked up one of the brownies and took a bite of it. “Don’t fuck with me again.”

**Author's Note:**

> you can find me on tumblr [here](https://movetothesuburbs.tumblr.com)


End file.
